I miss feeling capable. Even though I always felt overweight, when I was younger, I was pretty fit. I have zero energy now. Everything feels like such a chore. On really bad days when I’m food-hungover, I disengage and don’t feel present in my life.
I don’t want to live like this anymore… yet, in the moment, I don’t resist temptations or make good decisions.
I was on a good trend for a couple of weeks of staying away from fast food for the most part. But the last couple days, I’m falling into the worst of my habits. I go to a drive through and then I go home and eat dinner, pretending like I was hungry.
So embarrssing to admit. I don’t know why I do it. I get the urge to do it and it’s like I can’t stop the train once it’s on that track.
I got to go out to a late lunch with my coworkers yesterday. They are all so amazing, beautiful and thin. I feel like the outlier in our office. I’m the only overweight one in the group. I hate sitting at a table and feeling crowded out by my own belly. I had a lot of fun, but there’s this niggling insecurity and discomfort. My solution to ease the discomfort: McDonalds.
I KNOW how ridiculous that is! In the moment though, I need that release and it’s all I can think about. I think this is what it feels like to be a junky. Food is my drug.
I have got to figure this out.