Day 11: Reminisce

woman in brown classic trench coat eating mcdo fries during daytime
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I miss feeling capable.  Even though I always felt overweight, when I was younger, I was pretty fit.  I have zero energy now.  Everything feels like such a chore.  On really bad days when I’m food-hungover, I disengage and don’t feel present in my life.

I don’t want to live like this anymore… yet, in the moment, I don’t resist temptations or make good decisions.

I was on a good trend for a couple of weeks of staying away from fast food for the most part.  But the last couple days, I’m falling into the worst of my habits.  I go to a drive through and then I go home and eat dinner, pretending like I was hungry.

So embarrssing to admit.  I don’t know why I do it. I get the urge to do it and it’s like I can’t stop the train once it’s on that track.

I got to go out to a late lunch with my coworkers yesterday.  They are all so amazing, beautiful and thin.  I feel like the outlier in our office.  I’m the only overweight one in the group.  I hate sitting at a table and feeling crowded out by my own belly.  I had a lot of fun, but there’s this niggling insecurity and discomfort.  My solution to ease the discomfort: McDonalds.

I KNOW how ridiculous that is! In the moment though, I need that release and it’s all I can think about.  I think this is what it feels like to be a junky.  Food is my drug.

I have got to figure this out.

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