I like to think that I’m not mean to myself. I like to pretend like there’s nothing wrong. Everything is fine. I had to be on video today. The marketing team asked me to participate in an educational video. I was apprehensive, but I couldn’t see a way out of it, so I agreed.

First of all, I had thrown my hair in a low ponytail and was not wearing any make up. Secondly, my face is super broke out. Thirdly, I’m so freaking fat and am dreading seeing myself on video. I could go on, but all I’ve got it I kind thoughts about my appearance and voice and fear and worry if I said the right thing and did everything correct.

The whole time, it was in the back of my mind trying to stand straight and look slimmer and be prettier… but that it didn’t matter because ultimately, I’m fat and unattractive and they should have picked someone else to do the video. The girls I work with are all beautiful and would have nailed it.

The “it doesn’t matter” thought is the one that brings me down the hardest. I don’t do things because they don’t produce immediate results. One workout, on healthy eating day, doesn’t matter. One off the rails eating day doesn’t matter. They don’t. These single days didn’t matter, but the cumulative effect is what I was living with today.

A month of healthy food choices would have had me in a better place. A month of consistency at the gym would have had my body in better shape. Months of poor choices could not be covered up today. They will publish the video tonight. I’m dreading seeing it. 😒