I miss those words… even though I didn’t believe them back then. I got into a conversation with a coworker about gastric sleeves (weightloss surgery). She has a friend who is thinking about doing it. I am opposed to them, mainly because I have taken care of patients who have had complications from them, but also on the principle that the vast majority of obesity is due to phychological factors- bad habits, poor choices, etc. You can’t fix a psychological problem with a surgery. You have to get your head straight in order to lose the weight. If you don’t, all of those issues are going to chase you around. I was explaining my points and mentioned, I’m not overweight because I’m hungry- I have a weight issue because of my choices. She didn’t contradict me. It made me remember when people used to say “you’re NOT fat” but I didn’t believe them, even though in hindsight, it was true.
The conversation got me thinking. I think maybe I should see someone. I’m afraid of being labeled or judged. Might be worth a shot though?
It’s so much easier not to eat when I’m at work! I really enjoy my job and I lose track of time and don’t realize I haven’t eaten. Yesterday was great. I’m back in the game!
Why do I feel the need to gorge myself on my days off? Stress? Boredom? Avoidance? I’m not sure. I got the house super clean on Monday, and everything is really organized downstairs, and I feel a million times better! I need to finish getting the upstairs sorted and then we’ll be a well oiled machine!
I’ve been thinking… I really need to get to the gym. I’m just trying to find a place for it in my schedule. I’m thinking I need to drop the all or nothing attitude. If I made it to the gym just ONE day a week, that’s 52 more times than I went last year!
Three days in a row, I’ve hit my goals!!! Those calories aren’t pretty- But it’s where I’m at right now. I imagine in a year, I’ll be eating a whole lot different as I baby-step my way into a healthier life.
I am holding on to how proud I feel right now and I’m not going to let myself think it’s not good enough!
In the past, when I start a plan to lose weight, I shoot for 1,200 calories per day. Truth is, normally I eat closer to 3,000-3,500 calories per day and maintain my weight between 190- 200 lbs. To cut down to 1,200 overnight is insane, and I can’t stick to that for a single day, let alone 4 days! 1,800 feels about right. I don’t feel like I’m starving and I feel pretty good.
Maybe I’m just riding on the excitement of how motivated I am, and on my belief that I am absolutely ready to change, but I feel lighter already!!!!!
Day 2 went well all in all. I had to teach a class at work at 7-9 pm. I got to work at 7:30 am. It was a long day! I have been having a protein shake and been pretty content most the day on just that. I have a desk job, so it’s not like I’m burning a ton of calories throughout the day… and I have plenty of reserves (ha). I was talking about not remembering hunger signals yesterday, but amazingly, my stomach started growling in the afternoon!
I went to the cafeteria around 2pm to grab something to eat. It was past the lunch hour rush, so not a ton of options were out. I didn’t have a real game plan other than portion control. I looked at the salad bar, I swear, I considered it, but I decided on the pizza. I had a lot of self deprecating thoughts about wanting it. I had to tell myself that it’s ok to have a piece of pizza. Normal people eat pizza. Normal people don’t eat entire pizzas by themselves in secret… ummm…. I mean… not that I’ve done that… Anyhow. I was hungry. The pizza was what sounded good. I ate one slice. I carried on with my day.
What I didn’t do is say, “F- it. I ate pizza. I might as well chase it with 5 more slices.” That’s what I would have said 3 days ago. While I am far from where I want to be with my food choices, I made the best decision I could in the moment. Little wins.
I’ve been overeating so consistently and for so long, that I barely know what it is to feel hungry. I definitely was ready to eat by the time we had dinner, but my stomach never growled and I didn’t feel true hunger. I was tempted a couple times to wander into the pantry, but ignored the urge.
I ordered some silicone bracelets a couple weeks ago and I received notice on Monday that they were delivered to my mailbox. So I checked the mail on my way to work.
One says “BALANCE” “MAKE THE NEXT BEST DECISION”….. The other says “MY WHY” and has the girls’ initials. “ENERGY 4 PLAY. MEMORIES” “EACH MOMENT & EACH CHOICE” “GETS ME CLOSER TO MY GOALS.” There’s pictures: a dumbbell, a camera, a heart, and a running figure. Tiny reminders.
My intention with them is to keep me mindful and focused on my goals. When I thought about grazing in the pantry, I focused on the bracelets. They really helped!!!
I’ve had a thousand day-ones, but I’m blogging it, so it must be for reals this time, right? Ha ha. If it was that easy, I wouldn’t be where I am with my weight!
I just downloaded an app called Happy Scale, that I heard about on the Half Size Me podcast. It’s really cool so far, on this first day of using it. I like that it breaks down my goal weight into 5 lb increments. I chose 2 lbs per week to lose, and it says I’ll hit the first 5 lb milestone by August 31st.
There’s this part of me that thinks, “Only 5 lbs by the Annual Labor Day camping trip? Well boo. What’s the point?” It just feels like it won’t make a difference.
Then I look farther down the predictions, and add some special events coming up.
Nearly 10 lbs by a wedding we’re attending mid September.
Over 20 lbs by Halloween.
Almost 30 lbs by Thanksgiving.
About 40 lbs by Christmas.
Over 50 lbs by our ski trip in February.
60 lbs by my husband’s birthday.
At that pace, I’ll be at my goal weight by my 10 th wedding anniversary in April!
When you’re this big, 5 lbs doesn’t make all that much of a difference. But, 5+5+5….. that makes a world of difference!!!!
George Strait’s voice is playing in my head right now:
“He wondered how she’d take it when he said goodbye / Thought she might do some cryin’ lose some sleep at night / But he had no idea, when he hit the road / That without him in her life, she’d let herself go…”
For the non-country music fans, the song is about a woman who lives it up finally, after having dedicated her life to her family. That’s my take on it, anyways.
My intention with this blog is to Let Myself Go.
When I met my husband at 22 years old, I weighed about 135 lbs. I thought I was so fat back then. Well, I’d kill to be as fat as I once was! A decade, three beautiful babies, and a bunch of life later, I weigh 200 lbs. I’m short- barely 5’1- if I stand up really straight. I look in the mirror and I think, “how have I let myself go like this?!” I don’t even recognize the lady in my reflection.
Fortunately, my husband hasn’t left me. The man is a rock; he’s faithful and he leaves no room for doubt about his love for me. But I’ve lost myself in this whole marriage and motherhood thing. I never thought I’d get this big. It’s so frustrating and demoralizing!
I’m ready to change. It’s not too late to find myself. I think the way I’m going to do it is by letting myself go, in Mr. Strait’s interpretation of the phrase: by finding myself.