Day 11: Reminisce

woman in brown classic trench coat eating mcdo fries during daytime
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I miss feeling capable.  Even though I always felt overweight, when I was younger, I was pretty fit.  I have zero energy now.  Everything feels like such a chore.  On really bad days when I’m food-hungover, I disengage and don’t feel present in my life.

I don’t want to live like this anymore… yet, in the moment, I don’t resist temptations or make good decisions.

I was on a good trend for a couple of weeks of staying away from fast food for the most part.  But the last couple days, I’m falling into the worst of my habits.  I go to a drive through and then I go home and eat dinner, pretending like I was hungry.

So embarrssing to admit.  I don’t know why I do it. I get the urge to do it and it’s like I can’t stop the train once it’s on that track.

I got to go out to a late lunch with my coworkers yesterday.  They are all so amazing, beautiful and thin.  I feel like the outlier in our office.  I’m the only overweight one in the group.  I hate sitting at a table and feeling crowded out by my own belly.  I had a lot of fun, but there’s this niggling insecurity and discomfort.  My solution to ease the discomfort: McDonalds.

I KNOW how ridiculous that is! In the moment though, I need that release and it’s all I can think about.  I think this is what it feels like to be a junky.  Food is my drug.

I have got to figure this out.

Day 9: Temptation

laptop calendar and books
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It’s so much easier not to eat when I’m at work!  I really enjoy my job and I lose track of time and don’t realize I haven’t eaten. Yesterday was great.  I’m back in the game!

Why do I feel the need to gorge myself on my days off?  Stress? Boredom? Avoidance?  I’m not sure.  I got the house super clean on Monday, and everything is really organized downstairs, and I feel a million times better!  I need to finish getting the upstairs sorted and then we’ll be a well oiled machine!

I’ve been thinking… I really need to get to the gym.  I’m just trying to find a place for it in my schedule.  I’m thinking I need to drop the all or nothing attitude.  If I made it to the gym just ONE day a week, that’s 52 more times than I went last year!

Day 8: Teething Ain’t Easy

animal cute fur africa
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I work Tuesday through Friday. So Monday was essentially an extension of the weekend… and went about as well, except worse.  I am certain that my calories were not so crazy, but I don’t know for sure because I DIDNT TRACK.  Not tracking is so much worse than a 5k calorie day  to me.  Tracking  is a habit I’m trying to build and it’s so disappointing to break the streak.

I enjoy listening to a lot of different people.  I think most everyone has something great to offer.  I love hearing new ideas and ways of thinking, and am always trying to bring more positivity in my life.  I’m not die-hard fan of any one person.  I listen to what they have to offer and glean the information that applies to me and is in line with me beliefs and goals.

There’s a consensus from most of the sources about losing weight: you have to get enough sleep.  I haven’t consistently slept well for the last six years, since #1 was born.  I started nursing school after I had her, and she never slept through the night on her own until she was five.

I worked 12 hour night shifts while pregnant with #2.  Thankfully, she was a great sleeper, but not perfect, and #1 was still struggling with sleep.

When #3 was born, we thought we had the sleep thing figured out since #2 was so easy.  NOPE!  She started out ok, then the chronic ear infections started.  She got tubes in her ears and it helped, but there’s always something.  Right now, she’s cutting 6 teeth and is just miserable.

I don’t believe in cry-it-out for us. I get that it is what some people choose and it’s right for their family.  I envy those that it works for.  I attempted it with #1, but after hours of crying (so hard she’d throw up), she’d sleep for half an hour and start screaming again.  It felt so wrong, so I decided I needed to trust my mom-instincts.  If something felt so wrong, it wasn’t right for us.  It’s been hard though.

I co-sleep with #3.  Two weeks ago I started sleeping in her room with her on a futon that’s in there.  Before that, she was in the master with my husband and I.  Everyone started getting more sleep at first and I thought we’d found a great compromise… then the last few nights were horrific and I was so frustrated “I’m right here!  Why are you crying?!?” And, “I’m not a pacifier!”  I had to put her in her crib and let her cry for a few minutes (not cry it out), just so I could chill out.

Then in the morning, she woke up and was still fussy and had a runny nose.  Our saving grace is that no matter how awful the nights are, she always wakes up in an infectiously good mood, so it wasn’t like her. Later in the day, she bit down on my finger- she doesn’t usually bite.  I also noticed she was grinding her teeth together. So I felt around, and sure enough, her back teeth are cutting left and right, top and bottom.

It’s hard to make good food decisions when I’m so sleep deprived.  I figure we have another solid year before there’s fewer interruptions to our sleep.  I just pray I can still lose weight now despite our sleep struggles!

Day 6: Darn It All to Heck

gray and blue dinosaure ffigurines
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Well, shoot.

I have stronger words, but since I’m down this path of self improvement, watching my potty mouth seems like a good thing to add in…. and my 3 year old repeated me yesterday when I exclaimed “What the cr*p and sh*t!”  #MomFail 🤦🏼‍♀️ …. In my defense, in one of my newly organized drawers of art supplies, I found a pocket knife and some 550 cord that clearly my  husband had stuffed in the drawer.  With the kid’s art supplies!  Why???  … Clearly my use of foul language was justified.   Still, I don’t want to get a call from preschool because my kid is that kid in class shouting obscenities!

Back to the point… I didn’t do great yesterday.  I could have done a lot worse, but I’m pretty unhappy with myself.  I tried to keep track of everything, and I drank my water.  I just ate a lot of things that I really didn’t plan to and I felt  out of control.  Amazingly though, I only went over my calories by 209… as long as I didn’t forget to log something? I just wish I felt in control and made better choices.

I tried to give myself permission to eat whatever I want all weekend with the whole “Well, I’ve messed up… I’ll just start over on Monday” mentality. But then I saw a Cat & Nat clip on Facebook and they were trying to chat with Rachel Hollis (Girl, Wash Your Face), which reminded me that I saw she has a podcast, so I went looking for her podcast and the one that I came across first was an excerpt from her book about the lies we tell ourselves about starting tomorrow.  It was exactly what I needed to remind me that there’s no time like the present.

One little win that I almost forgot about:  I did some lunges and squats! My middle-little, (same 3 year old parroting curse words), turned me into a dinosaur with her magical wand.  I started chasing her with my tiny T-Rex arms and walking funny while roaring after her.  It just popped in my head to chase her while doing  walking lunges- still with the teeny little arms. She thought I was hilarious and I got a mini workout!

It’s Sunday and a whole new day.  I got this!!!


Day 5: What’s Full Feel Like?

This picture 😂 has little to do with this post…other than I love French fries…. and it’s hilarious!

I’m basically eating a couple snacks, plus one big meal to try to stay under my calorie max (1,800). I’m so used to being stuffed that I find it easier to cope with a little discomfort of starting to re-learn hunger signals, when I know I get to eat a “normal” amount if I hold out.

Old thinking is wanting to follow the philosophy of eating every two hours… but that doesn’t work for me because snacking and grazing leads to more snacking and grazing.  Eating every two hours, only 200-300 calories makes me want more.

I’m going to continue to do what works for now, but I’m more than ready for it evolve as time goes on.

Today is Saturday… it makes me nervous.  At least at work I can’t graze or eat everything in sight.  At work, I’m busy.  At home there’s snacks and idle time.

I can do this though!!!!!!!!!!

Day 4: The Streak Continues

top view photography of silver spoon book fork scissors and pen
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This is quite the streak!

I’ve been focused on:

  • staying under 1,800 calories
  • drinking at least 64 oz of water everyday
  • tracking everything

Three days in a row, I’ve hit my goals!!!  Those calories aren’t pretty- But it’s where I’m at right now.  I imagine in a year, I’ll be eating a whole lot different as I baby-step my way into a healthier life.

I am holding on to how proud I feel right now and I’m not going to let myself think it’s not good enough!

In the past, when I start a plan to lose weight, I shoot for 1,200 calories per day.  Truth is, normally I eat closer to 3,000-3,500 calories per day and maintain my weight between 190- 200 lbs. To cut down to 1,200 overnight is insane, and I can’t stick to that for a single day, let alone 4 days! 1,800 feels about right.  I don’t feel like I’m starving and I feel pretty good.

Maybe I’m just riding on the excitement of how motivated I am, and on my belief that I am absolutely ready to change, but I feel lighter already!!!!!