Day 13: Left Behind

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I don’t want to be left behind.  I have this friend who is super adventurous.  Recently, she took her dad on a trip overseas.  They didn’t invite her mom because her mom wouldn’t be able to keep up.  At tho rate, that is in my future.

as it is, my husband and the kids go out bike riding without me.  Usually it’s so I can do stuff around the house… but that’s just an excuse.  I don’t want to go because I am so uncomfortable. I’m missing out and I don’t want it to be like this.

Day 12: “You’re Not Fat”

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I miss those words… even though I didn’t believe them back then.  I got into a conversation with a coworker about gastric sleeves (weightloss surgery).  She has a friend who is thinking about doing it.  I am opposed to them, mainly because I have taken care of patients who have had complications from them, but also on the principle that the vast majority of obesity is due to phychological factors- bad habits, poor choices, etc.  You can’t fix a psychological problem with a surgery.  You have to get your head straight in order to lose the weight.  If you don’t, all of those issues are going to chase you around.  I was explaining my points and mentioned, I’m not overweight because I’m hungry- I have a weight issue because of my choices. She didn’t contradict me.  It made me remember when people used to say “you’re NOT fat”  but I didn’t believe them, even though in hindsight, it was true.

The conversation got me thinking.  I think maybe I should see someone.  I’m afraid of being labeled or judged.  Might be worth a shot though?

 

Day 11: Reminisce

woman in brown classic trench coat eating mcdo fries during daytime
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I miss feeling capable.  Even though I always felt overweight, when I was younger, I was pretty fit.  I have zero energy now.  Everything feels like such a chore.  On really bad days when I’m food-hungover, I disengage and don’t feel present in my life.

I don’t want to live like this anymore… yet, in the moment, I don’t resist temptations or make good decisions.

I was on a good trend for a couple of weeks of staying away from fast food for the most part.  But the last couple days, I’m falling into the worst of my habits.  I go to a drive through and then I go home and eat dinner, pretending like I was hungry.

So embarrssing to admit.  I don’t know why I do it. I get the urge to do it and it’s like I can’t stop the train once it’s on that track.

I got to go out to a late lunch with my coworkers yesterday.  They are all so amazing, beautiful and thin.  I feel like the outlier in our office.  I’m the only overweight one in the group.  I hate sitting at a table and feeling crowded out by my own belly.  I had a lot of fun, but there’s this niggling insecurity and discomfort.  My solution to ease the discomfort: McDonalds.

I KNOW how ridiculous that is! In the moment though, I need that release and it’s all I can think about.  I think this is what it feels like to be a junky.  Food is my drug.

I have got to figure this out.

Day 9: Temptation

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It’s so much easier not to eat when I’m at work!  I really enjoy my job and I lose track of time and don’t realize I haven’t eaten. Yesterday was great.  I’m back in the game!

Why do I feel the need to gorge myself on my days off?  Stress? Boredom? Avoidance?  I’m not sure.  I got the house super clean on Monday, and everything is really organized downstairs, and I feel a million times better!  I need to finish getting the upstairs sorted and then we’ll be a well oiled machine!

I’ve been thinking… I really need to get to the gym.  I’m just trying to find a place for it in my schedule.  I’m thinking I need to drop the all or nothing attitude.  If I made it to the gym just ONE day a week, that’s 52 more times than I went last year!

Day 8: Teething Ain’t Easy

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I work Tuesday through Friday. So Monday was essentially an extension of the weekend… and went about as well, except worse.  I am certain that my calories were not so crazy, but I don’t know for sure because I DIDNT TRACK.  Not tracking is so much worse than a 5k calorie day  to me.  Tracking  is a habit I’m trying to build and it’s so disappointing to break the streak.

I enjoy listening to a lot of different people.  I think most everyone has something great to offer.  I love hearing new ideas and ways of thinking, and am always trying to bring more positivity in my life.  I’m not die-hard fan of any one person.  I listen to what they have to offer and glean the information that applies to me and is in line with me beliefs and goals.

There’s a consensus from most of the sources about losing weight: you have to get enough sleep.  I haven’t consistently slept well for the last six years, since #1 was born.  I started nursing school after I had her, and she never slept through the night on her own until she was five.

I worked 12 hour night shifts while pregnant with #2.  Thankfully, she was a great sleeper, but not perfect, and #1 was still struggling with sleep.

When #3 was born, we thought we had the sleep thing figured out since #2 was so easy.  NOPE!  She started out ok, then the chronic ear infections started.  She got tubes in her ears and it helped, but there’s always something.  Right now, she’s cutting 6 teeth and is just miserable.

I don’t believe in cry-it-out for us. I get that it is what some people choose and it’s right for their family.  I envy those that it works for.  I attempted it with #1, but after hours of crying (so hard she’d throw up), she’d sleep for half an hour and start screaming again.  It felt so wrong, so I decided I needed to trust my mom-instincts.  If something felt so wrong, it wasn’t right for us.  It’s been hard though.

I co-sleep with #3.  Two weeks ago I started sleeping in her room with her on a futon that’s in there.  Before that, she was in the master with my husband and I.  Everyone started getting more sleep at first and I thought we’d found a great compromise… then the last few nights were horrific and I was so frustrated “I’m right here!  Why are you crying?!?” And, “I’m not a pacifier!”  I had to put her in her crib and let her cry for a few minutes (not cry it out), just so I could chill out.

Then in the morning, she woke up and was still fussy and had a runny nose.  Our saving grace is that no matter how awful the nights are, she always wakes up in an infectiously good mood, so it wasn’t like her. Later in the day, she bit down on my finger- she doesn’t usually bite.  I also noticed she was grinding her teeth together. So I felt around, and sure enough, her back teeth are cutting left and right, top and bottom.

It’s hard to make good food decisions when I’m so sleep deprived.  I figure we have another solid year before there’s fewer interruptions to our sleep.  I just pray I can still lose weight now despite our sleep struggles!

Day 7: Just Like Magic

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5,116 kcal.  Sunday was worse than Saturday.  I feel so much shame / disappointment.  I do not want to post this… but it’s real and it’s me and brushing it under the rug isn’t going to help anything.  I’m still here.  I’m still hopeful and still ready to change.

I have been feeling so motivated and I guess I thought *poof* everything is better and all my weight problems are magically fixed!  Shocklingly, not so much.

My problem is not a lack of knowledge, it’s a lack of action.  I’m educated.  I understand diet and exercise in theory.  It’s the implementation of these grand plans that I have that get me hung up.

I’ve been listening to podcasts for 6 months or so.  There’s a plethora of free content available at the tap on a button. The thing all of the ones I follow have in common, is a focus on sustainable HABITS.  It’s the little things that make the difference.

I planned to be perfect.  But I was far from it!  I am just going to do strive for better today than I did yesterday.

Another mini win in the midst of this crazy high calorie day: dance party with my littles.  Moving around and laughing like fools.  Up on my feet though, not letting that moment with them slip by.