Three days in a row, I’ve hit my goals!!! Those calories aren’t pretty- But it’s where I’m at right now. I imagine in a year, I’ll be eating a whole lot different as I baby-step my way into a healthier life.
I am holding on to how proud I feel right now and I’m not going to let myself think it’s not good enough!
In the past, when I start a plan to lose weight, I shoot for 1,200 calories per day. Truth is, normally I eat closer to 3,000-3,500 calories per day and maintain my weight between 190- 200 lbs. To cut down to 1,200 overnight is insane, and I can’t stick to that for a single day, let alone 4 days! 1,800 feels about right. I don’t feel like I’m starving and I feel pretty good.
Maybe I’m just riding on the excitement of how motivated I am, and on my belief that I am absolutely ready to change, but I feel lighter already!!!!!
Day 2 went well all in all. I had to teach a class at work at 7-9 pm. I got to work at 7:30 am. It was a long day! I have been having a protein shake and been pretty content most the day on just that. I have a desk job, so it’s not like I’m burning a ton of calories throughout the day… and I have plenty of reserves (ha). I was talking about not remembering hunger signals yesterday, but amazingly, my stomach started growling in the afternoon!
I went to the cafeteria around 2pm to grab something to eat. It was past the lunch hour rush, so not a ton of options were out. I didn’t have a real game plan other than portion control. I looked at the salad bar, I swear, I considered it, but I decided on the pizza. I had a lot of self deprecating thoughts about wanting it. I had to tell myself that it’s ok to have a piece of pizza. Normal people eat pizza. Normal people don’t eat entire pizzas by themselves in secret… ummm…. I mean… not that I’ve done that… Anyhow. I was hungry. The pizza was what sounded good. I ate one slice. I carried on with my day.
What I didn’t do is say, “F- it. I ate pizza. I might as well chase it with 5 more slices.” That’s what I would have said 3 days ago. While I am far from where I want to be with my food choices, I made the best decision I could in the moment. Little wins.
I’ve been overeating so consistently and for so long, that I barely know what it is to feel hungry. I definitely was ready to eat by the time we had dinner, but my stomach never growled and I didn’t feel true hunger. I was tempted a couple times to wander into the pantry, but ignored the urge.
I ordered some silicone bracelets a couple weeks ago and I received notice on Monday that they were delivered to my mailbox. So I checked the mail on my way to work.
One says “BALANCE” “MAKE THE NEXT BEST DECISION”….. The other says “MY WHY” and has the girls’ initials. “ENERGY 4 PLAY. MEMORIES” “EACH MOMENT & EACH CHOICE” “GETS ME CLOSER TO MY GOALS.” There’s pictures: a dumbbell, a camera, a heart, and a running figure. Tiny reminders.
My intention with them is to keep me mindful and focused on my goals. When I thought about grazing in the pantry, I focused on the bracelets. They really helped!!!
I’ve had a thousand day-ones, but I’m blogging it, so it must be for reals this time, right? Ha ha. If it was that easy, I wouldn’t be where I am with my weight!
I just downloaded an app called Happy Scale, that I heard about on the Half Size Me podcast. It’s really cool so far, on this first day of using it. I like that it breaks down my goal weight into 5 lb increments. I chose 2 lbs per week to lose, and it says I’ll hit the first 5 lb milestone by August 31st.
There’s this part of me that thinks, “Only 5 lbs by the Annual Labor Day camping trip? Well boo. What’s the point?” It just feels like it won’t make a difference.
Then I look farther down the predictions, and add some special events coming up.
Nearly 10 lbs by a wedding we’re attending mid September.
Over 20 lbs by Halloween.
Almost 30 lbs by Thanksgiving.
About 40 lbs by Christmas.
Over 50 lbs by our ski trip in February.
60 lbs by my husband’s birthday.
At that pace, I’ll be at my goal weight by my 10 th wedding anniversary in April!
When you’re this big, 5 lbs doesn’t make all that much of a difference. But, 5+5+5….. that makes a world of difference!!!!
There are two main factors that have contributed to my weight gain… Well, besides the obvious two: over-eating and lack of exercise….
Disorganization. We have a lot of stuff. My obsession with all things office supplies, clothes, kid’s toys, the hub’s tools. We were supposed to camp this weekend, but since the entire state of California seems to be on fire, the campground was closed. Since we’d already put in for the time off and the kids are all in daycare, we are tackling projects and I’m feeling like I can breath again! The problem is, I like our stuff. We use our stuff. I can’t go all Konmari ‘does this bring me joy?’ on my stuff. Little things bring me joy, so I can answer yes to a whole lot of stuff she’d toss out when I wasn’t looking. Maybe I’m just not ready to let go. Only time will tell. For now, I’m bringing some order into our lives, at the least.
Anxiety. Not like a clinically diagnosible anxiety. Just the everyday anxiety. Worry for the kids, my husband, money, the house, work, other members of the family, etc. Maybe I worry more than others? My dad died when I was eight. So I worry people are going to get hurt or die. That seems like a reasonable worry, since I’ve known it to be true, right? *insecure shrug*… I think about the worst thing that can happen, and try not to let that happen. I don’t outwardly fret too much, most of the time. My husband teases me sometimes when I express some of these fears. When I told him about my worst case scenario policy, he jokingly asked, “How do you leave the house everyday thinking like that?” He doesn’t know the half of it though. My mind immediately goes there: to the worst possible outcome. I curb the feeling by eating. At first it was only for big events and whatnot. Then I had kids. Someone said it’s like wearing your heart on the outside of your body. That’s exactly what it is. I love them so fiercely, that I am constantly worried about them in the background of my mind, no matter what I’m doing. Food offers temporary relief from these feeling, but it’s fleeting, and the consequence of being overweight suck.
I’ve identified these as the two biggest culprits for the current state of my weight. Getting the organization thing tackled this week. Working on the game plan for dropping these L-Bs. To be continued…
George Strait’s voice is playing in my head right now:
“He wondered how she’d take it when he said goodbye / Thought she might do some cryin’ lose some sleep at night / But he had no idea, when he hit the road / That without him in her life, she’d let herself go…”
For the non-country music fans, the song is about a woman who lives it up finally, after having dedicated her life to her family. That’s my take on it, anyways.
My intention with this blog is to Let Myself Go.
When I met my husband at 22 years old, I weighed about 135 lbs. I thought I was so fat back then. Well, I’d kill to be as fat as I once was! A decade, three beautiful babies, and a bunch of life later, I weigh 200 lbs. I’m short- barely 5’1- if I stand up really straight. I look in the mirror and I think, “how have I let myself go like this?!” I don’t even recognize the lady in my reflection.
Fortunately, my husband hasn’t left me. The man is a rock; he’s faithful and he leaves no room for doubt about his love for me. But I’ve lost myself in this whole marriage and motherhood thing. I never thought I’d get this big. It’s so frustrating and demoralizing!
I’m ready to change. It’s not too late to find myself. I think the way I’m going to do it is by letting myself go, in Mr. Strait’s interpretation of the phrase: by finding myself.