Been a while….

box cheerful color cute
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So it’s been a while. I lost track of time. I’ve seen a counselor a few times now. I think it’ll help in time. I’m coming to understand that I am not very good at feeling my feelings. I am great at putting on a happy face and letting things slide off my shoulders. I don’t know why, but I guess I don’t feel like I have the right to my feelings when I have so many faults. I feel like I can’t get upset with my husband because he is really great and I am so lucky to have him… but when you don’t rock the boat once in a while, you’re not being real… and when I’m not being real, I binge to shove those feelings aside. Truly, I am so happy and love my life so much… that I feel like I shouldn’t feel anything but happy… so when I feel uncomfortable, instead of dealing with the discomfort, I stuff it down with food. I was hoping that going to see someone would be the magic fix… but apparently it’s going to take some work to get to where I’d like to be. I’m feeling excited for the journey to there, but I am starting to realize it’s not going to be an easy path.

Day 17: History

 

book page
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I met with someone today to discuss why I overeat to the extent I do.  There are moments from my past that came up that I didn’t really connect with my current actions.  Can that be the cause?  I felt like I’d moved on from things from when I was a kid and just hard knocks from life.  I thought It was ancient history.  I thought I am pretty well adjusted.  Maybe I didn’t deal with everything as well as I should have?  I am looking forward to another appointment.

Day 15: Is That What You’re Wearing?

shallow focus photography of assorted color clothes hanged on clothes rack
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I don’t dress in things because I like them.  I pick what I wear based on what will hide my weight the best.  Apparently, I’m not fooling anyone with my yoga pants and baggy shirt.  My 3 year old in the morning said, “Mama, you gotta get dressed for school.”  On reflection, I did look like a hot mess… but I wasn’t expecting to get called out on it.

I am longing for the day I can pick outfits based on the way I feel and look in them.  I don’t even know what I like anymore.

I’ve been off track for days now.  So frustrating because I started off so strong.

I got a hold of a counselor.  I’m seeing him on Thursday.  I’m looking forward to working through my food issues!!!

Day 14: Shields

 

man wearing gray and red armour standing on the streets
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My children are my little shields in social situations.

I went to a baby shower yesterday. It was a two hour drive and I carpooled with the mama-to-be, so it was an all day event.  It was so fun. I left at 8am and did not return until 8:30pm.  I decided not to take any of the girls.  I debated about at least taking the oldest, but I got the impression it was an adults only thing.  I also came to a realization.  I wanted to bring one of the girls because being a mom makes me more comfortable in social situations. I didn’t know anyone else who was going to be there and was very nervous.  If I have one of my kids with me, I feel confident because I’m  looking after them, there’s never a dull moment.  There’s no awkward silence or interactions, it’s just go, go, go with the kids.

I was really proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone and taking a day to just be me.  Not a mom. Just a friend enjoying a party honoring a new mama.  I had a great time and it was an amazing break to not have any little ones demanding my attention.

Plus, the greetings I received when I arrived home from all three of my sweeet girls… priceless.

 

Day 13: Left Behind

man in bus
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I don’t want to be left behind.  I have this friend who is super adventurous.  Recently, she took her dad on a trip overseas.  They didn’t invite her mom because her mom wouldn’t be able to keep up.  At tho rate, that is in my future.

as it is, my husband and the kids go out bike riding without me.  Usually it’s so I can do stuff around the house… but that’s just an excuse.  I don’t want to go because I am so uncomfortable. I’m missing out and I don’t want it to be like this.

Day 12: “You’re Not Fat”

silver newton s balance ball
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I miss those words… even though I didn’t believe them back then.  I got into a conversation with a coworker about gastric sleeves (weightloss surgery).  She has a friend who is thinking about doing it.  I am opposed to them, mainly because I have taken care of patients who have had complications from them, but also on the principle that the vast majority of obesity is due to phychological factors- bad habits, poor choices, etc.  You can’t fix a psychological problem with a surgery.  You have to get your head straight in order to lose the weight.  If you don’t, all of those issues are going to chase you around.  I was explaining my points and mentioned, I’m not overweight because I’m hungry- I have a weight issue because of my choices. She didn’t contradict me.  It made me remember when people used to say “you’re NOT fat”  but I didn’t believe them, even though in hindsight, it was true.

The conversation got me thinking.  I think maybe I should see someone.  I’m afraid of being labeled or judged.  Might be worth a shot though?