A Single Decision

I am by no means “fixed,” but yesterday was easy. Yesterday, I ate when I was hungry and didn’t go overboard when a friend dropped by for a visit with pizza and wings. I didn’t say “I’m on a diet, I can’t eat that.” I just reminded myself to use moderation and enjoy spending time with everyone. Three days ago, I would have used it as an excuse to over-indulge, but the decision not to binge despite the urge/choice having been made, was so empowering. It was a confidence booster- like, “I can do this!” Will I never overeat or binge again? I’m not naive enough to think that. Binging is a coping mechanism, but it also becomes a habit. It’s just amazing how making a single decision and taking a single action could have such an impact!

I jumped in with my last post as if I hadn’t taken a 3 month hiatus. Let me tell you though, I was off the rails. I was feeling defeated and eating through that frustration and sadness at the state I’ve let myself get into.

I have been seeing the counselor about every other week. It feels like it’s one of those things that had to get worse before it could get better. I had to sort somethings out in my head. Learning to express myself and feel justified in my feelings has caused a little tension in some of my relationships, namely with my mom and my husband.

I’m learning to voice what I feel, but my delivery needs some improvement. I struggle to find the words to express things that I normally would just internalize and stuff down with food. I am learning though, and I feel like it’s getting better. Talking though situations and discussing how I could have handled them better has been so helpful.

I have been frustrated a lot during this time. I want to hit a reset button and go back to a weight where I was comfortable have all these new skills already and never have gotten to this point. That’s not reality, but wouldn’t it be nice?!?

Today and This Decision Mattered

I had a decent food day. I packed a bunch of snacks- things I like and enjoy. Things I will eat. Not great choices, but not the worst (on a scale from salad to fried chicken). I had a busy day at work- meetings and tasks. I had to speak in front of leadership- people whose opinion I value. I did well, and felt pretty good about what was accomplished.

That tension though- the lead up to the meetings- makes me want to eat to relieve some of the anxiety. I had a session with the counselor right after work, but I was plotting a binge afterward as I drove there. I was deciding between fast food and gas station snacks.

I had told my husband I would text him when I feel a binge coming on (my idea) to help talk me down… but I couldn’t tell him. Binging is such a shame filled thing, I couldn’t bring myself to tell him. If he said the wrong thing, it’d cause tension between us. It’s not a fair position to put him in.

Then I thought of my Beach Body Coach. I was assigned to her when I purchased a workout pack something like 2 years ago- maybe longer. I don’t know if they are all like her, but she’s so awesome. She checks in with me from time to time- but is never pushy. Right before I went in to my appointment, I sent her a message, just asking for encouragement and help to avoid the binge.

Let me tell you… when I came out of my appointment, I had 4 messages, multiple paragraphs each from her. Guess what? I drove my butt home and got to enjoy the meal my husband made. If I had binged, I would have forced it down to keep up appearances.

We are trying to save money too, so I avoided wasting money to boot!!!

Then, after the kids went to bed, I decided to use the treadmill. I jogged for maybe 30 seconds and walked the rest. I lasted a whole 5 mins. I am choosing not to feel the shame of that, but to feel proud that I did something. Something IS better than nothing!

The decision to ask for help, led to avoiding a binge, which led to the decision to exercise, however briefly. Now I’m going to sleep without the bloated overstuffed feeling, and without the shame!

I am taking action. Every little moment and every little decision I make matters!!!

Been a while….

box cheerful color cute
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So it’s been a while. I lost track of time. I’ve seen a counselor a few times now. I think it’ll help in time. I’m coming to understand that I am not very good at feeling my feelings. I am great at putting on a happy face and letting things slide off my shoulders. I don’t know why, but I guess I don’t feel like I have the right to my feelings when I have so many faults. I feel like I can’t get upset with my husband because he is really great and I am so lucky to have him… but when you don’t rock the boat once in a while, you’re not being real… and when I’m not being real, I binge to shove those feelings aside. Truly, I am so happy and love my life so much… that I feel like I shouldn’t feel anything but happy… so when I feel uncomfortable, instead of dealing with the discomfort, I stuff it down with food. I was hoping that going to see someone would be the magic fix… but apparently it’s going to take some work to get to where I’d like to be. I’m feeling excited for the journey to there, but I am starting to realize it’s not going to be an easy path.

Day 17: History

 

book page
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I met with someone today to discuss why I overeat to the extent I do.  There are moments from my past that came up that I didn’t really connect with my current actions.  Can that be the cause?  I felt like I’d moved on from things from when I was a kid and just hard knocks from life.  I thought It was ancient history.  I thought I am pretty well adjusted.  Maybe I didn’t deal with everything as well as I should have?  I am looking forward to another appointment.

Day 15: Is That What You’re Wearing?

shallow focus photography of assorted color clothes hanged on clothes rack
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I don’t dress in things because I like them.  I pick what I wear based on what will hide my weight the best.  Apparently, I’m not fooling anyone with my yoga pants and baggy shirt.  My 3 year old in the morning said, “Mama, you gotta get dressed for school.”  On reflection, I did look like a hot mess… but I wasn’t expecting to get called out on it.

I am longing for the day I can pick outfits based on the way I feel and look in them.  I don’t even know what I like anymore.

I’ve been off track for days now.  So frustrating because I started off so strong.

I got a hold of a counselor.  I’m seeing him on Thursday.  I’m looking forward to working through my food issues!!!

Day 14: Shields

 

man wearing gray and red armour standing on the streets
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My children are my little shields in social situations.

I went to a baby shower yesterday. It was a two hour drive and I carpooled with the mama-to-be, so it was an all day event.  It was so fun. I left at 8am and did not return until 8:30pm.  I decided not to take any of the girls.  I debated about at least taking the oldest, but I got the impression it was an adults only thing.  I also came to a realization.  I wanted to bring one of the girls because being a mom makes me more comfortable in social situations. I didn’t know anyone else who was going to be there and was very nervous.  If I have one of my kids with me, I feel confident because I’m  looking after them, there’s never a dull moment.  There’s no awkward silence or interactions, it’s just go, go, go with the kids.

I was really proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone and taking a day to just be me.  Not a mom. Just a friend enjoying a party honoring a new mama.  I had a great time and it was an amazing break to not have any little ones demanding my attention.

Plus, the greetings I received when I arrived home from all three of my sweeet girls… priceless.