I am by no means “fixed,” but yesterday was easy. Yesterday, I ate when I was hungry and didn’t go overboard when a friend dropped by for a visit with pizza and wings. I didn’t say “I’m on a diet, I can’t eat that.” I just reminded myself to use moderation and enjoy spending time with everyone. Three days ago, I would have used it as an excuse to over-indulge, but the decision not to binge despite the urge/choice having been made, was so empowering. It was a confidence booster- like, “I can do this!” Will I never overeat or binge again? I’m not naive enough to think that. Binging is a coping mechanism, but it also becomes a habit. It’s just amazing how making a single decision and taking a single action could have such an impact!
I jumped in with my last post as if I hadn’t taken a 3 month hiatus. Let me tell you though, I was off the rails. I was feeling defeated and eating through that frustration and sadness at the state I’ve let myself get into.
I have been seeing the counselor about every other week. It feels like it’s one of those things that had to get worse before it could get better. I had to sort somethings out in my head. Learning to express myself and feel justified in my feelings has caused a little tension in some of my relationships, namely with my mom and my husband.
I’m learning to voice what I feel, but my delivery needs some improvement. I struggle to find the words to express things that I normally would just internalize and stuff down with food. I am learning though, and I feel like it’s getting better. Talking though situations and discussing how I could have handled them better has been so helpful.
I have been frustrated a lot during this time. I want to hit a reset button and go back to a weight where I was comfortable have all these new skills already and never have gotten to this point. That’s not reality, but wouldn’t it be nice?!?